Give me your plaster foot - apparently it is a metaphor for how's your father

Oh hurrah, the award for Bad Sex in Fiction has been awarded, to none other than the sister of the Mayor of London. She's thrilled.

I thoroughly recommend having a read of the extracts, they're wonderfully awful.

I hope one day to write a truly, artfully dreadful bit of fictional sex. I've never heard the term "gribbly nipple" before, and thank you very much David Mitchell for sharing it with the world. I'm enthralled by Julia Glass' inability to make a metaphoric decision, thus "She closed her eyes again and let herself sink further down, or come more fully to the surface, she wasn't sure which ...". And the image of an old Scottish woman struggling 'out of a series of cardigans' is possibly the greatest turn-off image since Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar's Margaret-Thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.

One day I hope to write bad fictional sex well enough to win a plaster foot trophy of my own.

I guess I'm just a dreamer...

I will give you my money if you ask me correctly

In the last 24 hours, I have been chugged 3 times, with varying levels of success.

Chug number one: I’m walking back to work from my Maori lesson, and this sweet young gothy/emo type chugger comes up to me he’s all greasy black hair and piercings, but he’s a very chipper young man, and knows a lot about his charity of choice. I decline to make a commitment to a monthly donation, but listen to his tales of what their schemes are, and vow to make a donation the next time people are out collecting. He thanks me for my time, and we wish each other a good day. Nice.

Chug number two: a little drunk, but just a little mind, I wander home yesterday evening to find my flatmate sitting one the porch with a couple of Greenpeacers, who instantly say “Would you like to join Greenpeace?”. My instant reaction of Fuck Off is stifled by the thought that they might be my flatmate’s friends, in which case I’d rather not be rude. Turns out these dudes had just wandered onto our lawn off the street. Assholes.
I made a monthly donation to Greenpeace for about 3 years. That should let me off the hook FOREVER.

Chug the third: I took a different way to work this morning, and saw some people on Manners Mall collecting for some charity (can’t remember which one, Unicef maybe), and giving out water as well. I was miles away from them, but I really wanted a bottle of water. I decide to keep going, as there’s usually another collector not too far away. I get to Willis St before I see another one, and they stop me and ask if I’d like to donate. The guy who stopped me is a cute English boy, physically reminiscent of Look Around You’s Peter Serafinowicz, who explained to me where my money would be going. I chatted to him for a bit, he complimented me on my generosity and wished me “a very nice day”. Lovely.


Winner: Unicef, or whoever they were, and their attractive and polite chuggers, and their promises of free treats.
Loser: Greenpeace. Honestly Greenpeace, fuck you.
And then the other dude was very nice, and I will give you some money some day.

Meanwhile I will continue to lie to most chuggers I meet. It's just the kind of person I am.

Such a terrible mess

Today I am cleaning my desk!
It's very important, because it was very messy. As displayed above!

This is what, in the "art world", we know as a Bird's Eye View.
If a bird ever flew through my office I would be very impressed ("how did a bird get up here? Did it take the elevator? Give that bird a medal, it's an avian hero!") and also very embarrassed by what it would think of my desk...
Shame my name.

Stealing to be cooler

I know, I'm a goober.
A thieving goober.
Just to emphasise y thievery, here is a perfect summation that I have stolen from my dear friend Nell:
"I am a huge dork. That takes up most of my time."

I get the rss feed of Dinosaur Comics everyday to my emails, and today there was a link to Juice Box Dot Com
And on Juice Box they do a Worst Mondays and Best Fridays thing.
And I wanna do it, cos I wanna be on juice box.
But I'm never gonna be on juice box.
Wah. Cry.
So I'm gonna do it here, thiefstyles:

Worst Monday:

Worst day-job
I guess it was the supermarket, though I didn't really hate it too bad. Although I'm slightly scarred, and couldn't stand to go into the places for a few years. Soul sucking nothingness is the core of supermarket human resources

Worst haircut
I've had some shockers, but they've always been only a little bit off. The little boy haircut I had when I was 10 was a mistake. And the blue hair dye that turned my hair actually grey was a bit of a downer, though incredibly funny for anyone that wasn't me.

Worst subculture
I don't know if there is a real subculture label for them, but people who read lolcats and then talk about them with others. "Hey, did you see that lolcat today, wasn't it amazing?" Fuck you, read a comic.

Worst date
Hrm. Umm. My boyfriend and I were approaching break-up point as it was, and he got out The Butterfly Effect for us to watch on "date night". We got 20 minutes in and I freaked out. We broke up the next day. Thanks, Ashton Kutcher.

Worst invention
Christmas.

Worst purchase
The two saris I bought in India this year. Even though the combined cost was probably less than $20, I will NEVER EVER WEAR THEM. Guaranteed.

Worst way to die
Overheating. Oh god that'd be terrible.

Best Friday:

Best injury
Taking a tumble from a ten foot wall at the age of 4 was pretty badass of me, especially because I SURVIVED. And now I have a wicked, non-disfiguring scar!

Best historical figure
Elizabeth Bathory. What an evil bitch. Bathing in the blood of virgins. You freak me out lady!!!

Best shirt
Oh, it's my Nick Cave tour t-shirt that I can't wear because it is too tiny, but I love to know it is there. I'm gonna turn it into a cushion one of these days and then I will cuddle it

Best thing to do with $20
2 bottles of Corbs and a walk to Mike's house

Best party trick
Being incredibly convivial and not remember a single embarrassing thing that you did

Best monster
There is no Dana. Only Zuul.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
Pfft, I've never been interviewed... Well, I have, but nothing springs to mind. What a downer.

on buying The Boosh for the second time

Two years ago I had surgery to remove precancerous cells from my cervix.
(already this is an excellent story)
In my convalescence, my friend Dave lent me series 1 and 2 of the Mighty Boosh, and I promptly fell in love.
With someone else's, maybe my mum's, maybe Robert's, credit card, I bought my own copies of The Mighty Boosh series 1 and 2 from amazon. Dot co, dot ewe kay.

I have watched the shit out of those dvds.

This morning I'm looking at my gmails, and I see that I can preorder the COMPLETE mighty boosh series 1, 2 and 3, at a 26% discount from amazon etc. It has heaps of awesome extra shiz with it, like stickers. 25 pounds and 98 pence, rather than 34.99.

I actually, genuinely have to buy this.

Being the opportunist that I am, I look to see what other bargains I can get. Lo and behold, if I buy the Boosh book at the same time it'll only cost me 33 pounds and and 97 pence FOR THEM BOTH.
This is way too much of a bargain. I am genuinely salivating.

On to my trusted currency converter, and I see that 33 pounds and 97 pence converts to about 90 NZD.
$90.
More than the price of my prescription sunglasses, although that is it's own unique bargain.

Plus I can tack on the Mighty Boosh 2009 calendar for only 4 pounds and 99 pence.

I did some quick maths. With the discounts and the buying-them-together and all that other malarchy, I'm saving 24 pounds on a purchase I would most definitely have otherwise made.

This is absurd. I'm buying it right now. I'll just pretend my brain works in pounds...

Boosh party at my house, just as soon as that shiz arrives... Oh yeah, Christmas present to myself...

Damn the fact I really need a new laptop...

The shiz you find when you clean

I love Hatupatu's rock
The last time I went there was with Jonno after the Maori Queen's tangi in 2006.
That's AGES ago.
I don't know when I drew this little thing. Must've been in a meeting or something.


This is a very good read, from Australia, about our election

Decision 08

I'm not really going to go into it...

My highlights of the TV3 coverage of the 2008 NZ election were:

• John Campbell calling Steve Maharey a "sexy bugger"
• John Campbell calling Peter Dunne a "Noddy No-Mates"
• John Campbell calling Matthew Hooton a "shit stirrer"

I really love John Campbell. I'd vote for him if he ever ran.

Next time I will be more aware and more strategic in my electorate voting. Luckily others were wiser than me. Thanks, others.


I think I would like a dog. One day.
I will call her "Reginald", or possibly "Clovis", depending on the level of her vanity.
Maybe I would have a male dog. Unlikely.

Boom! and also Bang! and also Bill! oh, and, Barack!

I don't really give a shit about Guy Fawkes day.
I like the story about the guys and the dynamite.
But, fireworks, meh.
Not crazy about them.

Except, that every year, on about November the 4th, right up until 8pm on November the 5th, I start to feel some kind of horrible obligation towards them... Like, if I don't pay attention to them, somehow they will be gone forever. My apathy will get them banned.

So last night, all high and mighty and excited about my boyfriend, Barack, getting himself a nice big new house, I ummed and ahhed about heading up to one of the parties I'd been invited to so I could get a nice little Fizz! Pop! Purple! Green! buzz going on.

Know what I did instead?

Here's what I did instead:

I ate WAY too much dinner;
And: I watched Ghostbusters;
And: It was pretty sweet.

*punctuation overload*

Bill Murray is awesome, isn't he?
"I find her interesting because she's my client and because she sleeps above the covers. Four feet above the covers"
Egon Spengler is pretty wild. AND he gets the girl. Well, a girl. But that girl is Annie Potts. Annie Potts is a righteous babe.
Dan Akroyd is a'ight too I spose. Ok, he's great.
Oh, and Winston is fly as. He's seen things that would turn you white.

I am very pleased that homeboy is the new prez. He's amazing. And not unhot.

Shook it up...

Bah-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-dah...

This is incredible. Chairs made out of cans. INCREDIBLE:
They're super tiny, for a dolls house styles.
I almost bought a dolls house at Miramar North school gala on Saturday, but Robert dissuaded me...

I didn't spend any money yesterday. Not any. Today I have a deep desire to buy new jeans. I'll think about it tomorrow...

Also:

Dear Leonard Cohen,
Hi! How are you? Long time no listen. Couple weeks maybe.
Oh, I've listened to Anthony's version of "If it be you will" once or twice I think.
But not your dulcet tones.
I hear you're coming over next year! That's very exciting for you! Ever been to NZ before?
It's a pretty nice place.
Some of my friends have already bought tickets.
Leonard, I know that it is your job and whatnot.
And I know that we all need to make money.
But Leonard - $170 a ticket?
I thought you were a Buddhist?
Leonard, I'm a bit put off I must say.
Bob Dylan was only $106.75.
And he's BOB DYLAN.
I know, I know, you're Leonard Cohen.
But, if I don't see you when you're here, have a good trip.
Don't fuck it up.
Mariskahargitay
Swami Ma Puawānanga xo

Nick Cave sings Suzanne better, I think.

C'mon Morrissey, confirm your dates bro!